Truth telling should be done with grace and kindness

TELL THE (RESPECTFUL) TRUTH Being honest doesn’t have to be painful -- for you or the people in your life. The problem is that few people understand how to do it well. Truth telling should be done with grace and kindness, in a way that’s respectful of the person you are talking to, Zander said. She noted that the goal should be to learn how to tell -- and receive -- the truth in a way that is emotionally safe for you and those with whom you interact. Here are the three steps:Identify the areas in your life where you’re telling lies. For example, maybe you told your son last night that you "don’t mind" when he doesn’t help do the dishes after dinner -- when deep down it drives you nuts. But don’t beat yourself up about what you’ve been doing, because you’re on the way to fixing it. Pay close attention to what goes on in your head and what comes out of your mouth. Then evaluate how well they match up. You will probably be surprised to find that they often don’t! Think about it -- do you ever tell yourself that you’re sticking to your diet because you had a salad for dinner? But in reality, you canceled out the nutritious benefits of those greens with loads of high-fat dressing -- and then washed it all down with three glasses of wine?Focus on learning to tell the truth in all areas. And remember -- exaggerating is a form of lying. For instance, if your sister or friend asks you how much you paid for your shoes and you find yourself giving her the retail price -- even though you got the pair off a sale rack -- then train yourself not to inflate how expensive your wardrobe is to try to impress others. There’s nothing wrong with saying, "I got a great deal!" When you’re telling the truth to someone, do it carefully so you don’t hurt their feelings. For example, try saying: "When you say _(fill in the blank)_, it makes me upset, because _(fill in the blank)_. And I don’t want to be upset with you, because I care about you." Keep in mind that not all lies are malicious -- sometimes we tell a lie to avoid sounding mean. For example, telling a subordinate at work what we think he or she wants to hear (even if we don’t mean it) -- like "Good memo!" -- when instead honesty would actually help the employee improve. You could say: "Sending out a memo with typos in it makes it seem like you’re not as smart as I know you are." And lying to your partner about how great last night was may make pillow talk less awkward in the morning, but it won’t enhance your relationship. Next time, try to open up in a loving way by saying what would really please you. Not only will it bring the two of you closer, but what might it do for your love life! THE TRANSFORMATION OF TRUTH "To be a truthful person, you have to accept how much you lie -- we all do it," said Zander. But once you face your lies and start to transform yourself into a truthful person, then you won’t waste any energy covering your lies. Plus, your confidence will swell and life will become richer and more exciting. "Once you understand how to be truthful, your vitality will return and you will feel so much better," she said. "You will be on your way to becoming who you really are." Source(s): Lauren Zander, cofounder and chairman, The Handel Group, New York City. www.HandelGroup.com.